Forgiveness - the Whats, the What Nots and the Hows

When it comes to forgiveness, so many of us think it should be a simple black and white matter of saying “I forgive you/him/her/them/myself…” and feel frustrated and disappointed when the words “I forgive” don’t help us feel any better. Others of us feel that to choose forgiveness is to let “the other guy” win. The thing about all the virtues is that you can’t just swallow them like a pill and expect any sort of permanent change in how you think or feel or behave. We have to choose to practice each virtue over and over again with each new minute, day, circumstance. Virtues also pertain to our power over ourselves, only. They are SELF-disciplines. Grudges and hate are harmful. We can’t change what has happened to us, but we can choose to forgive. Still confusing, I know, but read on.

What I know best about forgiveness is what I learned from North Coast Pastor, Dr. Larry Osborne, one of the best teachers I've had the privilege of hearing.

Because there are so many misperceptions about forgiveness, let’s start with... 

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:

Forgiveness is not excusing the excusable or forgetting that anything bad or hurtful happened. “You came late to my dinner party?” is much easier to forgive than “You showed up to my dinner party drunk and disorderly, insulted all my guests, and bullied my child to the point of tears.” It would do you no good to forget that someone betrayed or hurt you, but there's no reason to relive it again and again.

Forgiveness does not mean that there is an immediate removal of all the consequences. Nor does it mean that there is an immediate restoration of trust. Forgiving someone doesn't release them from being responsible for what they've done.

Forgiveness does not mean you will allow someone to hurt you over and over again. Set your boundaries and keep yourself safe and healthy. Letting go of a grudge is not the same and allowing abuse or becoming a doormat. Letting go of a grudge is an active, powerful choice of acceptance that frees up more energy for positive things in your life.

FORGIVENESS IS:

Forgiveness is refusing to seek revenge or be consumed by past hurts or injustices. This is where so many of us think forgiveness is a bunch of baloney. “Sure, I can say I forgive someone, but when I think about what they did, I still wouldn’t be sad if they fell off a cliff. In fact, I’d probably be thrilled, so saying I forgive them doesn’t change anything.” And that would be right. In almost all chases, choosing forgiveness does not suddenly make you feel kindly towards the other person. It absolutely DOES NOT bring about an immediate feeling of peace. 

Forgiveness is a decision to not be consumed with hatred over an injustice – no matter how huge. Not easy at all. And choosing forgiveness once doesn't mean you won’t have to choose it again in 5 minutes for the same exact person/hurt/situation. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you suddenly see them in a whole new and positive light. It doesn't mean you’ll want to spend any time with them or even ever see or hear about them again. Forgiveness simply means that we let go of our need and/or desire for revenge. Forgiveness is a decision that we have to choose over and over again. That is how we *practice* forgiveness. Since we can’t control our feelings, we start by controlling our actions.

Forgiveness also includes allowing others to make amends. Don’t have expectations that they will make amends. Don’t find another reason to be hurt that they don’t make amends. Don’t allow them to rush back into your life with disregard or irresponsibility or malicious intent. Just *allow* them to do better. Hope that they do better. Pray that they do better. And be glad, instead of derisive, when they do better. Remember that choosing to grow and do the “right thing” isn’t only our prerogative and right, it’s everyone’s right and God’s greatest hope. He grants us Mercy and allows us to do better. We can choose that with forgiveness, too.

HOW TO FORGIVE:

Examine yourself first. Forgive yourself for past transgressions and feel blessed for any forgiveness shown to you.

Pray and turn the situation over to God. Let God help you with this hard task. Let Him be a balm for your heart and spirit. Let Him help you let go of hate. And let Him fight for you.

Give your feelings time to catch up with your decision to forgive. Don’t beat yourself up for doing the right thing and feeling the wrong way.

Keep choosing forgiveness. Keep being grateful for forgiveness shown to you. 

(NOTE: This blog post is still being written, but for the sake of posting a virtue per day, I present you with what I have so far. Expect a few additions, quotes, etc.)